captainetcetera

captainetcetera @ 2005-03-02T15:25:00

2005-03-02T22:27:08Z

so.
i have a xanga now.
my username is makeoutvirgin

thats my new thing.
if you have xanga; addd meeeeeeeee

captainetcetera @ 2005-02-02T18:35:00

2005-02-03T01:38:18Z

so. nothing is really happening.
but yesterday somehting did.
it was wierd.
i was in the drama room during lunch, and i was laying down listening to hellogoodbye, and my bipolarity went CRAZY. i was way depressive. i suddenly got so...unhappy.
i could only htink about how horrible i was. and how i should jsut die. and no onecould help me. no one understood.
it was really bad.

captainetcetera @ 2005-01-28T23:10:00

2005-01-29T06:12:31Z

so.im at allys right now. we went to DR tonight;. fun. not. anywho. im really bored. and dont have much to say.

exoh.

captainetcetera @ 2005-01-22T16:45:00

2005-01-22T23:46:37Z

psst. guess what?
alec broke up with me.
and im surprisingly....
happy,
is that wierd?
im going to go boy shopping tonight.

this will be an awwesome night iff i go out.

school daze

2005-01-21T21:25:35Z

so, anyways, im at school right now writing this.
i met nicole after school in the libray, right? and i thought we were going to her house. it turns out we were going to the library for her tutor. i was like...jigga what? i hate being here. but good news, lice is her tutor. i <3 alice. shes the best. so anfter her tutor, (it ends at 3) we are going to her house and then probably to mine and then to DR tonight. Alec wants me to go. its only 222 and i want to die. i wrote nicole a note telling her that we could go eat my ice cream at my house, but i take the icecream part back. she doesnt deserve my ice crem. at all. i hate half a pint yesterday, when i got it. i got a pint of dreyers dreamery :chocolate avalanche" its chocolate ice cream with fudge swirls and brownie bits. then i got another pint of "Coney island" its vanilla ice cream with caramel swirls and bits of chocolate dipped waffle cone in it. i havent tried that one yet. yummmmmmy. anyways. my dad told me today that i was going all emo punk. i was like...neigther. im seriously not punk, and i dont think im at all emo. i own a black sweater and i have cool hair.and im unhappy. but that isnt emo. sorry. anyways. im going to go and update my CSS for myspace. i love you all.
<3333
GiA

blank.

2005-01-19T03:22:26Z

have you ever had one of those days where you;re just...numb?
how about one of those weeks?
what about months? years?
i have it all the time. and its getting worse. im just so...joyless. and i dont know why. its getting to the point where i look like a skeleton. marci even said so. we were at pottery and she looks at me and she says, "gia, you look terrible, whats wrong". i wish i could tell her whats wrong, but i cant.
ive barely spoken 10 words since i got home. and i dont even care. i dont even know what to do anymore. its like,im ust, numb. my depression has progressed. first step was hating myself. second was looking lookin at myself in the mirror and thinking "i want to kill you." i just dont know how i could possibly think that about myself. its really hurts. its now to the point where i dont care what other people think, i have to worry about what i think of myself. the third step was crying out of nowhere. it actually happens. i dont know why, its embarrasing for me. i cant believe I, of all people, would do somehting like that. then it got to the point where i started hating everyone else. its horrible. i odnt want to, but i find myself hating people who are happy. and hating people who are sad. i walk through the halls at school and just want to kick people. i want to kick them like a sick person would kick a harmless puppy. i want to hurt them. and its scares me. now i look unhappy. to the outside world, im happy. i dont want people to see me. i just wish someone could just be there..and hug me and say it was going to be ok..but i cant. im alone. i hate it.
i want to die.
i hate that too.
i want to die because i want to die.

and ive stopped eating so much too.

im scared.

captainetcetera @ 2005-01-13T18:09:00

2005-01-14T01:11:30Z

oh. what has happened?

lets review

im still a bad person
blahblahblah

but i want to kill myself.

i wont. i cant hurt my friends.
thats the only reason
i really need a shrink.
but my dads in denial

i just dont know what to do anymore.
like, i really hurt.
my dad hates me again.
we were getting along great, until tuesday. it was a half day, and i was soooo excited about going to lunch with my daddy. its the only reason i didnt stay home. i wasnt feeling well that day.
he asked if we could have gone to a vietnamese place for lunch a few days earlier. i hate vietnamese, so i say oraganos. then he asks about jasons deli. im sick of that place. we go there whenever we go out.
so he was fine with the oreganoes idea. then we get into the porschea and hes like "lets go to jasmine palace" and i wanted to go to ...ahh brb

captainetcetera @ 2005-01-06T20:17:00

2005-01-07T03:19:37Z

eh. i dont know what to do

my family hates me.
my grades sucked last quarter
boys dont like me

and above all, i really hate myself
i dont know what to do
and now trevor is saying that i dont care about him or some shit like that.
i hate this.

gosh. i wish i would just fucking die

rain.

2005-01-04T01:01:13Z

sorry i didnt write yesterday.

ive got to say, one of the only reasons im even happy and such is because of arizona storms.

so. it was raining all day at school, and then i had to take the bus home.
when i got off the bus, it was POURING. by the time i got home, i was drenched and shivering.

my hair was perfectly straight this morning. it became perfectly curly and ugly.
so, im in my house talking on aim, and really unhappy about my appearance, and suddenly it started pouring outside. it sounded like hail.

so, i tore off my shirt, and ran through the kitchen, and outside.

with my brother shouting after me "gia, twhat are you doing? its raining outside..." i slamed the door and didnt listen.

and i just stood there. i stood in the rain. then i danced in the rain. i sang in the rain. i didnt care that the world could hear me. i didnt care that i was freezing and my core temp had probably dropped to 96 degrees. and i didnt care what i looked like. i was just, happy.
i felt like i was in top of the world.
nothing could have brought me down at that moment.

i just...wish i had more of those. the feelings where you feel...weightless and perfect. like nature accepts you. and you dont care if the world around you dissolves, as long as you stay in that one moment.

convo quote of the day.[sorry i didnt have one new years; i was busy

2005-01-02T06:29:57Z

me and jarrod <33

ButchTheBoxer16: lol, thanks Gia. so how would you say winter break was overall?
ButchTheBoxer16: any highlights or anything?
of thedeathsquad: eh.
of thedeathsquad: no
ButchTheBoxer16: thats too bad. i apologize since we never got the chance to hang out, we will have to sometime
of thedeathsquad: i know it
ButchTheBoxer16: i was looking forward to meeting your mother, lol
of thedeathsquad: haha\\
of thedeathsquad: my mom loves alec...the kid that i was supposed to makeout with last night.
of thedeathsquad: my mom would love you
ButchTheBoxer16: the mom behind the legend. lol, thanks, i hope so! should i rent a tux?8-)
of thedeathsquad: yes.maybe a nice poweder blueone
ButchTheBoxer16: lmao, ah Gia you are funny. maybe some rip off clothes like the guys on Jackass have, but i dont want to seem too forward so i might have to skip that
of thedeathsquad: hahaha
of thedeathsquad: just show up in a gstring
ButchTheBoxer16: lol...ME ===>8-) your mom===>=-O
of thedeathsquad: hahaha
ButchTheBoxer16: i should bust out in song too, a song and dance
of thedeathsquad: shed love it
ButchTheBoxer16: lol, i could do the Jingle Bell Rock routine from Mean Girls:-*
of thedeathsquad: yes!!!
ButchTheBoxer16: your brother would think i was so gay, lol
of thedeathsquad: eh. no one cares
ButchTheBoxer16: lol, they would if i did elton john in a G-string
ButchTheBoxer16: =-O
of thedeathsquad: ahahahaha
ButchTheBoxer16: i aim to please, lol jk jk

new years...

2005-01-02T06:09:55Z

so..last night was new years..

and i went to ikea yesterday...and i got my bed and tables [finally may i add] andddddd then ally called me...and toldmethat i was having alec, randall, kelsey, brian,sara, and maybe victor over...
i was like.."ok. let me ask my dad first"...daddy said it was fine...
everyone was supposed to be there at 7.

then i get home. its 5

alec wants to immediately come over..but instead, he came over at like, 5:45 we were alone for almost an hour.
and oh did i just want to jump his effing bones. but anywho.we hung out. and then it was me ally matt alec brian and sara.

we walked to the park holding hands. i love holding hands. then alec thought i thought that him and ashley wouldnt get back togather...which i didnt mean.
he was so beautiful. i was totally debating weather to jump on top of him..or not. ehh. i didnt.

then we went back home...and we cuddled. it was awesome. matt left already...so we watched billy madison and dodgeball. then alec kept wanting to make out with me. and i was ready to..until him and ally went off...haha. gotta love her. i envy her abiblity to be impulsive. im like a fucking old lady or something.

my new years resolution: to kiss at least 4 boys by june13;2005

funny conversation quote of the night/day

2004-12-31T04:30:38Z

Mike&Me

of thedeathsquad: i cut my hair
of thedeathsquad: you can actualy see my right eye
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: hahaha
of thedeathsquad: and i have a new makeup fetish
of thedeathsquad: i darken my freckles
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: hahahah
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: youre weird
of thedeathsquad: what?
of thedeathsquad: i love freckles
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: youre still weird
of thedeathsquad: no im not
of thedeathsquad: why
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: you darken your freckles
of thedeathsquad: does it look bad?
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: no
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: it looks weird
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: like
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: cuz you wouldnt expect someone to do that
WERD T0 B1G B1RD: so its like, what?

captainetcetera @ 2004-12-30T21:04:00

2004-12-31T04:14:28Z

ehh. so, anywho. nothing really happened yesterday, except for the resturant. i went out to dinner with nicky and her mom and her losersister+loser friends and ally. we went to claim jumpers. so there was this really hot guy sitting at a table across from us, and nicky, after being really giddy, took a picture right before we left. then we went to her house and did crazy makeup. after that we went to bed. then we woke up around 11...her cat kept waking us up. she doesnt understand that i cant sleep with her fuucking cat in the room, because i have succh bad allergies. my eczema is so fucking bad now. excuse my language. shejust doesn't get it. anywho..after that i got my haircut...

and thats it pretty much

my new years resolution is to kiss as many boys as possible...

ok i kiss everyone. to makeout with as many as possible.
there.

bye...

<3GiA

last night.

2004-12-29T18:54:06Z

so. last night was boring. it had a few high points, i guess. one was; matt told me to sign onto his screenname to.. because this 14 year old girl was showing her ass on her webcam..so i signed on...and i didn't see any ass...thank god...but i could only see what she was typing ..not matt. she asked him to name her ass. and they made a bet that she couldnt get a guy...she said that if she could, hed win...etcetera. then she said...the one to lose would have to do somehting silly but sexy. i was like...matt..isn't that all you ever do?...he didnt get it. then she said...in our underwear...so then i asked..."matt, will you be wearing you tightie whities for that special occasion?" and then she said they had to lick eachother head to knee...because she doesnt want to lick anyones toes...
ew.
shes probably enoculated her own STD or somehting.
anywho.

that was the highlight.

fun conversation quote of the night.
[he'll remain anonymous]xxxx: well. . heres a tip how to make out if we ever do
xxxx: Spell your name in the other persons mouth with your tounge
of thedeathsquad: thanks.
of thedeathsquad: i aprreciate that
of thedeathsquad: im cursive or print?
xxxx: whatever
xxxx: Print to start off
of thedeathsquad: i was jk
xxxx: then go to Cursive

new[ish]

2004-12-28T23:32:02Z

so. hi. this is my new lj. i'm going to try and write in this everyday, but, eh, i always forget. i'll tryn to remember. so, anyways, today me&ally went to PV mall, Alec and other people were supposed to meet us there, but they decided to be stupid and not come. oh well...so we left[for reasons] and went back to allys. now, its raining outside, so i think we're going ot go take a walk.
Exoh
~~GiaSimone~~<3